Blind Man

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."

The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"

But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."

So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.

Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring , the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I do appreciate your help.'

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen

Done any good deeds in your life?

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

The IRS Auditor

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

How do retired people have fun?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

Lesbian???

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans. I flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

Think before you speak

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse."

"Oh, " Little Tony said, "OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma,it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

Funny Commercial - Zazoo Condoms

Funny Commercial - Zazoo Condoms

Porsche commercial

A really good commercial for Porsche.

Dove Evolution

Dove Evolution was directed by Tim Piper and Yael Staav for Ogilvy and Dove. Creation and concept by Mike Kirkland and Tim Piper.

Air New Zealand staff have nothing to hide

Body painted Air New Zealand staff support new commercial. Using Gin Wigmores track Under my skin

Heineken Commercial 2011 - The Entrance

Castle Age BotDL [Fan Made]

Little Larry!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

---

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

---

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

---

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'

 Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

---

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

The New Secretary

The Manager hired a new secretary, she was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, yet latter on he happens to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "by the way, Miss Jones, when you say my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

Why I Don't 'Get' Cell Phones.

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Okay, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell him "No. I am a little busy right now."

Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions"

Cell phones, don't you just love them!

It's Dark In Here

A wife often saw her lover at home while her husband was at work. One day, her 8-year old son hid in the closet to see what his mother was doing with that man.

A moment later the husband came home unexpectedly. In panic, the wife hid her lover in the same closet.
Son: It's dark in here.
Lover: It is.
Son. I've got a soccer ball.
Lover: Good for you.
Kid: Do you want to buy it?
Man: No. thanks.
Kid: My father's out there.
Man: OK, how much?
Kid: $250!

A few days later, the kid was in the closest again with the mother's lover.
Kid: It's dark here.
Man: It is.
Kid: I've got great baskets.
Man: (remembering the last time, grimaces): How much?
Kid: $500!

A few days later, the father says to the kid, "Get your baskets and your soccer ball; we'll have a party"
Kid: I can't, I sold them.
Father: For how much?
Kid: $750!
Father: It isn't right to swindle people like that. Those things never go for those kinds of prices. I'm taking you to church for confession!

The father takes his son to the church, shoves him into the confessional, and closes the door.

Kid: It's dark in here.
Priest: Shit, now don't start that again!

Well-Endowed Polly

A man suspects his wife of cheating on him so he goes to the pet store to shop for a parrot. He sees quite an assortment of parrots for sale for five hundred to a thousand dollars, but that's a bit more than he wants to spend, so he's delighted to come across one for sale for thirty dollars.

"Why so cheap?" he asks the clerk.

"His dick is oversized and that embarrasses the customers" the clerk explains. The husband buys the bird anyway and places it on a perch over the bed.

The next day the first thing he does after coming home from work is to rush upstairs. "Well, what happened today?" he asks the bird.

"Well, the milkman came, and your wife told him to come into the bedroom, and they took off their clothes, and got into bed."

"So what happened next?" screamed the irate husband.

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch, hit my head and knocked myself out."

Detective Boudreaux

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective Boudreaux to investigate.

Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

Boudreaux: "De duck won."

Creative Defense

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

What is LIFE?

What is LIFE?

What is LIFE?

When I got enough confidence,
...the stage was gone.

When I was sure of losing,
...I won.

When I needed people the most,
...They left me.

When I learn to dry my tears,
...I found a shoulder to cry on.

When I mastered the skill of hating,
...somebody started loving me..

This is LIFE!!!

Smart Young Nice Girl

Smart Young Nice Girl

One day in your life,
A smart girl will come,
Who will love u a lot.
She will touch you with love
And give you many kisses….
And will say to you
With great love and affection……..

I love U Papa….

Your Grandma Is Hot

Your Grandma Is Hot

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says......

'Grandpa....... Go home! You're drunk.'